DISCLAIMER: Satire—currently funded by our overlords in the cloud.
Scene: You walk into “CloudCo Paints,” a chic urban storefront where transparent disclaimers are served as a lifestyle. At the entrance, a 4K promo loop runs—half an ad, half legal springboard—highlighting the latest privacy policies, data-sharing opt-outs, and affiliate link guidelines. You don’t just buy paint; you consent to five pop-ups, two cookie banners, and a facial recognition check.
Clerk (robotic cheer): Welcome! Before we proceed, please authorize data tracking, consent to unlimited firmware updates, and sign our click-wrap agreement (scrolls for 30 seconds). Then confirm you accept that you may not read all this.
Customer: Um… I just want paint. How much is it?
Clerk: Our base paint starts at €12 per liter — BUT only if you join our subscription plan “Paint-As-You-Go.” Otherwise, it’s €19.99, plus a “User Interface Convenience Fee” of €5, and an optional “Design Lookahead Package” for €7.
Customer (murmurs): I remember basic paint…
Clerk: All our paint is identical, but the color chip scanner app charges €3 per scan. If you pay extra, you get augmented-reality visual previews—and those previews send your camera feed to our ad partners.
Customer: Can I just get the basic can?
Clerk: Sure! But online purchases come with a “Digital Exclusivity Credit” that reduces your price to €10—but add €6 for the payment gateway, €15 for standard shipping, and a €2 data-sharing surcharge. Express delivery? €25.
Customer: So, somewhere between €10 to €50 for something that looks like the same paint I buy elsewhere?
Clerk: Pretty much. And availability? It updates algorithmically every minute. That €10 deal might vanish while you’re paying. Or auto-raise to €17.50. But we can notify you—provided you opt in to push notifications and agree they can ping you anytime.
Customer: That is utterly absurd.
Clerk: Wait, there’s more! If you return unopened cans within 48 hours, you get a credit—but only redeemable for virtual paint tokens, valid for 30 days, and subject to dynamic market value. Also, returns require a QR code scan reviewed by our compliance bots.
Customer: That’s crazier than anything I’ve seen.
Clerk: Keep in mind: our terms prohibit transfer of the paint—it’s personal data, I mean property! We also need to know where you paint: our “Smart Paint” auto-tracks location and usage, sending aggregated stats to city planning agencies.
Customer: I saw a “€9.99* per can” sign before — is that real?
Clerk: That’s from our “Low Cost Beta Launch.” Half-liter cans, must buy two, plus a €5 eco-packaging fee, €3 deposit, €5 “Branded Experience Fee,” and €25 for color customization beyond the first tone. And yes, all caps necessary.
Customer (throws up hands): I’m out of here. I’ll buy somewhere else—with actual paint, for an actual price.
Clerk: Remember, you always have a choice. Thanks for visiting CloudCo. Mind your step—some cookies (browser type, not the snack) tripped a customer yesterday and we’re tracking the incident.
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