28 December 2009

What The Secretary Really Meant

I have taken the liberty of putting in thought bubbles into the US Dept of Homeland Secretary's Official Statement:

Statement by Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano

Release Date: December 26, 2009
For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
Contact: 202-282-8010

"I am grateful to the passengers and crew aboard Northwest Flight 253 who reacted quickly and heroically to an incident that could have had tragic results. PHEW WE DODGED THAT BULLET THANK GOD THE PASSENGERS WERE ON THE PLANE - LORD HELP US IF THEY HADN'T BEEN THERE The Department of Homeland Security immediately put additional screening measures WE THINK THEY ARE SECURITY MEASURES BUT JUDGING FROM OUR HISTORICAL PERFORMANCE ANYTHING GOES AT DHS into place—for all domestic and international flights—to ensure the continued safety of the traveling public I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE WHEN PLANES FALL OUT OF THE SKY SO PEOPLE'S HOUSES ARE EXEMPT FROM THESE NEW MEASURES. We are also working AND THIS IS A FIRST FOLKS closely with federal, state and local law enforcement on additional security measures, as well as our international partners AL QUAEDA HAS RECENTLY BEEN AWARDED GOLD STATUS ON OUR LIST OF PARTNERS on enhanced security at SOME airports and on flights OR AT LEAST THE ONES WE THINK WE KNOW ABOUT BUT WE DO HAVE A TENDENCY TO LOSE A FEW LIKE THAT NORTHWEST FLIGHT THAT OVERFLEW MSP.

The American people should continue their planned holiday travel and, as always, be observant and aware of their surroundings and report any suspicious behavior or activity to law enforcement officials. IF YOU ARE NOT AN AMERICAN THEN TOUGH COOKIES I DON'T GIVE A DAMN AND I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOU WHATSOEVER.

Passengers flying from international locations to U.S. destinations may notice additional security measures in place BUT ONLY IF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEP WALKING OR IN A COMA FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS WILL THIS ACTUALLY MATTER. These measures are designed to be unpredictable YUP LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE HERE AT THE DHS - EVERYDAY IS SOMETHING NEW. HECK I CANT EVEN FIND MY OFFICE ON SOME DAYS, so passengers should not expect to see the same thing everywhere INCONSISTENCY IS A HALLMARK OF MY ADMINISTRATION I DONT INTEND LETTING ANYONE HAVE A PREDICTABLE TRIP PERIOD. Due to the busy holiday travel season, both domestic and international travelers should allot extra time for check-in. OH YES AND THAT INCLUDES YOU MOTHER"


1 comment:

Professor Sabena said...

So being a picky person - I am going to pick up on the Secretary's grammar. (Or at least her press secretary). This concerns the word Allot. I think it should have been ALLOW. Here is why:

Courtesy Mirriam Webster and some Web resources:

A lot (two words) is an informal phrase meaning "many." It can take an adjective, for example, "a sizeable lot."

Example: Karl needed a lot of time for the job.
Allot means "to distribute between or among." It has the same root as lottery.

Example: He allotted three breaks a day to everyone in the department.